11 hours

This week was as stressing as it could have been - and maybe a lot more too. I couldn't even post here everyhing that happened. It would drive me crazy...

What I can say is that on thursday we dorve for about 11 hoours to get to a plcae that would take only one hour and a half O_o one day I have to write about it. It was just crazy.

And saturday was also a killing day. Really. I never drove so much in my life - ok, on thursday I wasn't literally drivinf anyhow...

Well, the only thing is... I'm still in love. Jeez... what a confusing month this one has been

Loneliness

My beloved said to me: "Among the average, I'm unusual. You are unusual among the unusual".

Maybe that's why I feel so lonely...

Bharatha Natyam

So, work wasn't that bad after all... it was actually a lot more fun and relaxed than I thought it would be.

I just majored in Film-making. One of my friends decided to make a movie out of a script she had written sometime ago. I know everybody that's working with us, they are really nice. I am assistent director together with another very sweet friend of mine. We all worked together in the final film-project in college.

Anyway, my friend, the scriptwriter and director, is a dancer. She dances an indian classical dance called Bharatha Natyam (or Bharatanatyam). She lived in India and now teaches indian classical dance at an studio she owns with two other friends. The script she wrote is based on one classical Bharatha Natyam called Maha Deva Shiva Shambo, which is about a couple who can't have children. They beg one to the God Shiva. Shiva gives them two choices: a normal child that will live normally or a perfect child who will live only till its 16 years. They chose the perfect one. One he turns 16 his parents tell him of his dreadful fate. The boy, however, doesn't accept his fates and starts to pray a lot to Shiva and fight to overcome death. When Kali, Goodness of death, comes to take him, Shiva comes in rescue and the boy is saved and the God presents him with the gift of eternal life. At first I thought this story was a little weird with a weird message. But then, later, as I really analized it, it has a very good meaning. Well, I interpreted the following... God is powerful and has control over our lives and destinies. But we do have the power to change fate if we want and fight for it and, by doing so, we are not going against God's wishes. In fact, we can talk to God and He might understand and come to help us. I don't know if I am expressing myself to the fullest but, if you wish to see it in a less theist interpretation... you can see that we do have some fate coming on to us, but we do have the power to change it sometimes.

Back to the set...
We started really late because the guy that works with all the light stystem in the theater we were filming on arrived three (!) hours later than he should. But we managed to do everything all right and I think the shots were really great!!
Well, I won't talk about any detail. I had do direct a little bit because the director was dancing (yesterday we were filming two scenes were she dances as Shiva) and asked me to do it so she could concentrate on her dancing. I was already impressed the first time I saw Indian classical dance. But yesterday... I was hypnotized. It's just so beautiful... I think I will join her classes and try to learn it myself too. I'm kinda clumsy but I will give it a try.



What atracts me is that, this dance is strong and powerful yet also gentle and gracious. It's full of some kind of special feelings that comes from the moves, the eyes, the make-up, the clothes, the music...ah, the music.

Got to sleep now. Lots of things to do tomorrow. Saturday, back to the set.

Not on the mood...

I really don't feel like working tomorrow...

Skudrinka

listening to: Skudrinka - Corvus Corax.


People can really drive me insane. Sometimes I just feel like going to a different planet or something... although I don't really think it would change that much.

Nothing particular happened today for me to think about this. I was just wondering why do I get so angry with somethings... But I do feel like running away. I wish I could just disappear for a while. I wanted to get some money and stay in a small hotel in the mountains for a couple of weeks only reading and listening to music. Quietly. I would love to stay quiet for some time... so then, later, I would just explode...

Leda

I can’t believe it!!!! I am sooooooooooooo happy!!!!!! ^_^!!!! I can't believe I have it!! It's like a dream!! A time tunnel to my childhood days!!!!

Ok, ok... deep breath, deep breath... Let me start from the very beginning

When I was 5, my mom would take me to this video rental store. I always had a thing for cartoons and my eyes were caught by a very nice cover that looked kind of like this one:



It’s was a new title and I wanted to watch it because I thought the cover was so pretty. At that time nobody cared that title wasn’t really fir for children, cartoons were always good for them. Ok, that one wasn’t bad, but I can tell you it wasn’t for someone my age... but I loved it instantly!! It was the weirdest story about this girl whose song she’d just compose was a key to take her to another world. There she becomes a warrior and has to fight against this really “interesting” looking villain. Even my mom, who watched it with me, liked that weird story. I would rent it many many times.

Actually, that video rental wasn’t very close to my home, and we would only go there if we passed by that part of our neighborhood. I think the last time I saw it, I was about 8. So, after I grew up, I kind of forgot about that tape. At the age of 19, me and my mom were walking throw that part again and remembered that video rental store – now we live really close by – and decided to check if we still had an account over there. The video rental wasn’t the same anymore. Someone else bought the place, renamed it and took part of the former video rental’s tapes. I was in shock. Was Leda still there? Curiously enough... it was! I was so happy, that anime was so unknown and obscure! I asked the new owner if he would sell it too me but no deal. Anyway, we made a new membership card and I instantly rented it. It was so nostalgic to watch it… I found the plot even weirder this time… but it brought back old times… It was the very last time I watched Leda.

So today I was really sleepy (again!). But I was decided I wouldn’t stay home in bed or at the computer again. I got some books and went to this coffee shop. I had so nice salad – chicken, cabbage, mango, cottage cheese… really yummy -, bought a new CD – I am listening to it now. Talk about it later – and went to a lounge close to that video rental place. After having a glass of wine I called my mom and she met me there. We decided to rent some DVD. We went there and I thought about Leda. I decided to ask again if they would sell it, that tape was from 1987 (hahaha, do the math and now you know how old I am :P), probably nobody rented it. So I asked just for the sake of asking. Can you believe he sold it to me??? He really did sell it to me!!! I can’t believe it!!! A childhood obscure anime personal icon is now mine!! And it’s no just nay tape! It’s the very tape I watched as a little child!!! I am so really happy!!! When he said he would sell it – and he sold it really cheap – I almost couldn’t believe my own ears…

Night night, everyone. I’m on a very good mood today ~*^_^*~

Freedom

listening to: Herbst - Qntal.

It's great to have a secret webblog. Everybody should try it sometimes. I feel so incredibly free. I am actually sharing some really deep stuff but nobody knows who I am so...

On my first blog I thought a lot before writting something. I don't know if I mentioned it, but I am a little the paranoic type. It's ridioulous, I know... at least I know I have this problem. Anyway, I was always concerned what people would think about me and that took my writting freedom.

I got a counter for this blog so that I know if someone is actually reading this. I discovered that probably nobody is. And still I feel like writting here everyday (something I never did in my former blog)

~**~

listening to: Ad Mortem Festinamus - Qntal.


So today I finally went to the movies and saw an old friend of mine I really like. I missed her a lot. We used to spend a lot of time together but now our lives kinda got separeted. I am glad we are getting closer now.

I've been obessed about something. I probably will talk about it a lot here. I have this urge about talking about it', however I don't want to do it in real life in real talking...

When I get angry about something I can get really angry. At the very moment I feel anger when thinking about three different people: one I actually feel sorry for, the other is a jerk who doesn't know where is Poland (for christ sake! he's german!!) and the other I don't really hate. But I could easily slap him in my own imagination. I am also angry at some friends... former friends... and they have to do with the girl I had a problem with... I will talk about it in other posts, although my paranoic side is telling me someone who knows this people will find this blog and... well, not that they don't know it - I'm not the hiding type - just that... I don't really know. Anyway, I will probably invent them new names just in case to furfill my paranoic wishes.

I am going to have a nice cup of tea and a try to sleep a bit...

Depression and Vivaldi, the saviour

listening to: Concerto for Mandolin, Strings & Harpsichord, R. 425 - C Major.

I know nobody is reading this webblog. So why am I even bothering to write it? Wouldn't it be much easier if I just got a pen and a journal and started writting on it in my native language and in full privacy?

I really have no idea what makes me write here. But for some inexplicable reason it makes me feel real good to write here. Maybe even more than writting on a journal... in a fact, I don't think it's better. It's just a different kind of feeling.

Have you ever noticed how hard it actually is to express throw words what we think or feel? Sometimes even I can't express to my own self what am I feeling...

I have a suspicion that I am getting depressed. Not like a normal blues but clinically depressed. I am feeling tired, angry and sad most of the time and I barely eat or feel any kind of appetite... which REALLY freaks me out because if there's something I was have is appetite and when I am lacking some I start getting really worried.

I went to the doctor today. I told him what I was feeling and he said it could be a light form of depression and that I should seek a psychiatrist. I felt kind of funny to look for one but he said it's nothing to feel ashamed or scared of. People usually have a lot of prejudice into seeking especialized counseling, however, depression is a disease like any other and should be treated. So I am going to the psychiatrist. To be honest with you, I really would feel relified if he said I have depression. Because if he said I don't... maybe the symptoms are from something else and who knows what could that be... I even been worried about my health lately...

Thank God there's Vivaldi! Man, this Concerto for Mandolin in C Major rocks! It's making me feel a lot better! If you don't like classical music... you should try Vivaldi. I've been his unconditional fan since I was 6. The guy kicks ass, it's all I have to say. (although I don't really like this expression.. he does ;)

Closer

Now I know: I'm in love.

It's very rare to hear myself say something like that. I haven't been in love for quite a while. And to be honest, I kind of have a cold heart.
I met this guy in April. At first I though he was cute, but that's just not much - at least not for me - to fall in love with someone. As we got closer and started to talk a lot to each other, I was so fascinated that he had the same kind of humor I have... we talked about everything and we laguhed a lot...

In the end of 2004 we got even closer. We started working on a project together and I had the opportunity to get to know him better. Earlier we only had chitchts but know we would engange in more serious conversations.

Because of the project we traveled together. One night we were alone at the hotel room. We didn't sleep, we just talked the whole night long. Nothing happened, if you dirty minds are thinking anything like that, but it was a very pleasant night... and we got to know each other. This time for real.

And so I discovered he wasn't so much like me as I first thought... we are actually pretty different, specially in the way we see and think about the world...

However, we became good friends... I am always anxious for our next meeting... I hate being in love.

Burning eyes

The title is alas no poetry...
My eyes are killing me... they are hurting so badly. I never had problems with my eyes before. It's awful. Tomorrow I'm going to the doctor first thing in the morning.

I also called my beloved one. He was so cold to me, I felt terribly.

What a way to start the year...

The everlasting tiredeness

I can't understanding why have I been so sleepy lately. I feel tired basic all the time although I haven't done anything in the past few days. Ok, I've been working a little bit in a friend's project, but it's no reason to get so tired.

Today I woke up at two p.m. and I've been sleepy ever since. I guess I should really go to bed now, because I feel like I haven't slept for ages. I wonder what's wrong with me...

I just notice that I didn't set up blogger's clock for my time zone yet... heck, I wish it were really still 6 pm...

The misterious and secret return

And so I destroyed my old webblog...

I wrote on it for almost one whole year and now it’s dead. I feel a little sad but relived in the same time. I made that blog because of something that doesn’t matter to me anymore. So, it was time to say goodbye.

I wrote it in my native language and then decided to build a new one in English. I don’t write so well in English as I can in my native language… but felt like, if I did so, maybe, I would reach another public. But to whom am I writing too? I am keeping this blog a secret for the moment. I probably won’t tell about it to anyone I know. Is this supposed to make me feel more relaxed and free to write?

I hope someone will find this blog someday sometime. For now I only send my best wishes for the New Year and hope to get some visitors soon.

Later!! ^_^